AWPness

I'm going to AWP in Chicago this next week. I'm scared. Never been to a writerly conference. Fancies everywhere. Registrations sold out before I could purchase mine. Bummer. I do enjoy lollygagging in hotel rooms. My best friend in the world is coming and she makes everything better. Going to Amtrak it to Milwaukee for a day trip to see some awesome people. I'm reading at this on Thursday and this on Friday. These will be my first not-school-related readings. Chicago is going to be cold and I have no real jackets. I'm excited to meet online people offline though. Twitter grows faces. Facebook embodied.

See you in Chicago, maybe? Let's make some awkward conversation. I'll be the one with the bright-ass hair.

All kinds of stories

Louise Gluck yelps

This is how a former Poet Laureate yelps:

Happy VD

Peculiar Paper Dolls

I've always been skeptical of paper dolls. As a kid I liked the idea of them but then found them boring as shit in practice. Does anyone actually play with them? What can you do with a bunch of flimsy 2 dimensional people whose clothes keep falling off? Anyway, I found some real beauties while putzing around Google images that I thought I would share with you, the invisible internet person.

Very scary dolls

When I was a little girl I wanted a Betty Wetty doll that peed all over itself. My parents, both sane, refused to grant my wish. I don't know why I wanted Betty Wetty so bad, especially since I had two younger siblings who peed all over themselves and needed diapers changed. Fake things are always more fun, I guess. Anyway, the weirdness of Betty Wetty is nothing compared to these gems I found thanks to my dear friend Google images:

YOU CAN SHAVE THE BABY

The look on this girl's face is just classic. "Magic of motherhood" indeed.

In case, you know, your little girl's really into the idea of shaving a miniature grown man.

Yuck. Just ... yuck.

No comment.

The Stage Name Game: Punk Rock Edition

James Newell "Jim" Osterberg, Jr.
AKA Iggy Pop
Eric Reed Boucher
AKA Jello Biafra
Jan Paul Beahm
AKA Darby Crash
Erick Lee Purkhiser
AKA Lux Interior
Mary Simms
AKA Dinah Cancer
Glenn Allen Anzalone
AKA Danzig
John Simon Ritchie
AKA Sid Vicious
Kristy Marlana Wallace
AKA Poison Ivy
Jesus Christ Allin
AKA GG Allin
Vincent Damon Furnier
AKA Alice Cooper
Jimmy Lee Lindsey Jr.
AKA Jay Reatard

Never seen before Barbies

I love you, Google images.

Bighands strikes again

This blog is very popular with hand fetishists these days, and it's all my fault. I'm not a hand fetishist. Not my thing. But I've written several open letters about a big-hand fetishist out there and, I believe at this point, it has attracted more hand fetishists than I ever knew existed. I used to think it was one person, one handloving dude—how naive I was. Each day, dozens of hand-fetishists are checking out my blog via hand-related search terms. From this past week alone I've got people googling: "big hands," "huge hands," "huge hands short girl," "female hand fetish" and "girl with big hands," and that's not an exhaustive list there, friends. I mean ... what can I say? It's weird. You hand googlers baffle me. As I type this, three hand googlers are on my blog. One of them is German. The way you say "big hands" in German is große Hände.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking. You're like, "Geez, Faith, stop blogging about hand people if you don't like the hand people." But that's where you, the hypothetical second person I imagine as some kind of middle-aged balding man with glasses probably because I just listened to a Woody Allen record, are wrong; I am so joyfully bewildered (there should be a German word for that, ja?) by these visitors I wish I had some something to offer them. Because I'm pretty sure this post I'm writing now ain't exactly what they were looking for when they typed "sexy big hands" into their search engine.

Hand people, I love you all. I want to write a story about you. Maybe it will be called "Girl with Huge Hands," I don't know. Anyway, all this gets me to thinking about SEO shit I've never thought about. I guess I don't type long blog posts very often, but for whatever reason, some things stick in people's google-machines and some things don't.

I never wanted to be the big hand lady, or the hand-fetishist blog; but here I am. Googlers sometimes get here via "jesus on a motorcycle" and that always makes my day. Today I got "crazy horse motorcycle mama female vocals," which was wondrous. I guess I have to blog more about things that don't have to do with hands from now on to get a little variety going here. Okay, fine. Okay maybe.

I wonder if sign language turns hand fetishists on?