Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Blogspotlight #1

My new favorite pastime is finding random people's blogspot pages by typing in whatevercomestomymind.blospot.com. Most of these random people's blogs were long abandoned back in 2000-2005, when blogspot was still cool. Most of these random people's blogs have no or very few entries, some merely hilariously titled, and most that I've stumbled on have actually never had any visitors.

Why is this so amazing? Because, it's an untapped goldmine of never-heard strangers' internal monologues. It's like an endless treasure trove of people's journal entries, of stories, of characters. I've been able to squander an embarrassing amount of hours on my new hobby.

As long as it lasts, I'm going to make an effort to share some of my favorite findings, putting these random strangers' abandoned blogs on the spotlight of my own not-so-important blogspot blog. Ultra meta n shit.

So the first random blogspot I would like to highlight is called The Pizza Guy Delivers, where Kenny, for 6 months and 10 short entries, detailed the horror of his job at a pizza joint. He's actually pretty damn funny. I loved this particular post -- it almost read like some edgy flash fiction piece -- but the fact it was true made it way creepier. And it reminded me to never, ever mistreat or irritate those strangers who assemble your takeout food:

Mark Rathko always says, "This is Mark Rathko," when he rings.

Like I'm waiting to hear from him. You know, like he's some fucking preferred customer and I give a shit more about his order than I do for any of the other asses who ring me up. You know, drop everything! Mark Rathko's on the line! Christ.

I call him Mark Rathko. Not sir or Mark or Mr. Rathko. Solamente Mark Rathko.

He's a dick.

Mark Rathko called back to add anchovies to his medium deep crust. "Mark Rathko again." He told me to be generous with them, and I was like, "For you, Mark Rathko, anchovies are free!"

I got to thinking about what I could do to him because he's such a cock, when I remembered that we share an alley with the strip mall behind us and that there's a pet store in that strip mall. I remembered they have a special, little bin out back for their dead animals. Some truck always comes by at the end of the day with a big tube and sucks them out.

I told Jerry I was going to the Burger King to take a dump (our toilet's not working), but really I went over with an extra-large cup and sauce ladel and had a look in that bin.

I've seen guys eat snakes and shit before, but I don't know anyone who's eaten three angelfish, some of those minnows that are neon and one of those goldfish with the big fucked-up eyes like Mark Rathko's just done.

Amazing. I can't help but wonder who this mysterious pizza dude named Kenny is -- namely, what kind of person says, casually, that he has seen other people eat snakes and shit before? And what happened to him in the following seven years, how did the job end, where he is now? I hope he's moved on from any career involving food preparation.

Many more blogspotlight posts to come -- I have an arsenal of bookmarks I can't wait to share, including a one-entry blog some high school girl made all about her hair.

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